he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
