I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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