Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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