Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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