the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
