I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
