Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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