Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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