I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
