if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think my mom watched the whole time
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Pants are for mortals
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