remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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