I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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