Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
