Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
