your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
