I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
