And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
