I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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