Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.