Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral