I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I AM VODKA MAN
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella