There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.