Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
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your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
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I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Drank your wedding present. Sorry