Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover