How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
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When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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