my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
