hotel room ftw
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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