New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
