I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
