My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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