I'm really into asian looking animals
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
