i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
