Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
