I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
