thus making me awesome and them whores
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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