That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
