I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
