How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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