Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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