Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
