I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
