I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
