i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
