my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dear god my vagina.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
