Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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