he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
