If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
