I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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