I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
