I think I died a long time ago.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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