Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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