god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
