Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
