My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
