I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
