Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
