when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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