I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
