i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
