Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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