Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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